As I entered Saloni’s home, I was greeted with squeals of excitement. The kind that usually happens when few friends are getting together after many days for an all ladies event and the excitement is overflowing. Saloni greeted me with a big smile and an even bigger compliment, “You look so lovely Vinita. Seems like you have lost a lot of weight.” Such compliments, even when you know you haven’t done much to lose weight, does elevate your mood, especially when surrounded by so many beautiful ladies! And as is customary, I immediately reciprocated with, “You look so pretty and hot yourself, and your dress is simply fab!”
After the initial exchange of warm hugs and greetings we all got seated. That’s when I noticed Sania’s necklace. It was one of the most exquisite pieces I had seen in our circle of friends. I complimented her on her choice. Immediately, the focus shifted to Sania’s neck-piece.
Expressions like “oh wow !”, “ohhhh, so gorgeous”, “lucky you, your husband must really love you to buy you a piece like that”. I thought to myself, “So now, is it that the husband’s love is measured by the price of the diamonds (accessories) his wife can buy and flaunt?”
A high pitch voice steered me back to the conversation. It was Sushmita. “Hey Sania, by the way how was Rahul’s score in the boards? My Neeti, scored a GPA of 10!” Sushmita’s attempt had hit the bull’s eye. She knew that Rahul was not very academically inclined and so this was one point where she could show off and get the attention to move away from Sania (and her exquisite neck piece) towards herself.
And that’s precisely what happened. Sania’s, excitement was completely deflated as she spoke softly that Rahul had scored an 8. The group broke into a congratulatory mode. “Congratulations Sush your daughter is so brilliant”. “You must be so proud of her”. “Sushmita, you have really done a very good job of bringing up Neeti”. And Sushmita, grabbed this opportunity with both hands to ‘feel Like a winner.’
This entire conversation continued for quite some time. Anybody who could find a reason, flaunted their children(s) achievements. Just like they were earlier flaunting their accessories.
I was silently thinking, what would be the real reason for their children to pick up various hobbies like dramatics, golf, vedic maths, classical dance, playing drums, calligraphy, book writing…? Was it the child’s interest, intrigue or passion towards these OR was it the parents’ intent to flaunt their children and their hobbies to their social and friends circle – both online and offline?
I was glad that at least I was not amongst them – I love my accessories, but my children aren’t on that list! My children do not carry the burden of indulging in activities and hobbies, so that mama could have something to show off about in her friend circle.
Yes, today’s children are under tremendous pressure to perform and do well in many activites and fields. However, a lot of the pressure is an outcome of our own need, to use them to flaunt our performance as parents, to our circle. In the whole bargain ending up in, making them them what they are not.
“Parents need to fill a child’s bucket of self-esteem so high That the rest of the world can’t poke enough holes to drain it dry” – Alvin Price
Why I chose to write this blog – Every parent understands that comparing their chidren with others, is fundamentally detrimental to the child’s progress and creates cracks in the child’s self esteem. Often the symptoms of this damage are more visible many years later. In the age of social media, this kind of comparison has taken a new form of flaunting. Parents have to actively commit to closing the gap between knowing and doing. They can start by strengthening their own self esteem, which is often at the core of such behavioural patterns.
